SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hey, welcome back to the Marriage 360 podcast, a full circle look at life, love, and marriage. My name is Marty Sloan, and this is my lovely bride.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Becky Sloan.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

And we're going to talk today about uh some thoughts from the scriptures on the topic of marriage from Ephesians chapter 5. It's a verse you've heard before. Here's the verse for us. Wives, submit to your husbands, ask to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of his church, his body of which he is the Savior. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for. So this topic for us is not about submission or laying one's life down, but the idea that in marriage, uh, there's different roles, and there's different functions in the marriage as part of God's design. Obviously, those functions and roles can often become challenges or conflicts, um, unmet needs, expectations, and so forth. So when you think about roles in marriage uh and not dinner roles, what do you think about in the marital relationship as far as roles in general? Not saying right or wrong, but just general roles in a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Um well, I mean, I'm gonna be more old school probably when it comes to this topic, although I am in no ways belittling a woman's role as she sees is right for her home. In my opinion, roles um in marriage are um, you know, for the man, the protector, the husband, the provider, um, the counselor. Um women can be those things in in times, but nurturer, you know, uh caretaker, um parenting, you know, kids with both your new spouse and yourself. Um but I see roles um having some distinction in the way that God designed us.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yeah, roles are they fluid or are they fixed? In other words, can they ebb and flow at seasons of life?

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Definitely, because again, you have what you perceive as how the roles should be, and then you have um single parent homes. You have different situations that cause that will call for you to assume a role differently than you would have.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

Yeah. Uh what's what's what's interesting is much of our view of roles uh comes not from education but from experience. In other words, how we saw our house operate. Um and I remember this when we first started dating, um, you know, your dad cooks. Your dad still cooks.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Very well.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Um when I was growing up, my dad cooked nothing. The fear was dad cooking. It was like, please don't cook, whatever you do, dad. On the flip side, my mom was a great cook.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Uh and in your household, when we first started hanging out. Not at all. Not saying at all. I was saying that in your household, as a contrast, your dad was a chef in the kitchen.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Yeah. And my mom really enjoyed that too.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

And she embraced it.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

She had to do that the weekly night cooking. You know, my dad traveled in ministry and he wasn't always home uh during the work week. And so my mom had the carpool, the kids, the cooking. The when my dad came home and would do Sunday dinner or you know, Friday night dinner, she loved it. It never ever made her feel any less of a woman that she didn't cook as much or as well as my dad.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Yeah, and I learned to cook at an early age because I wanted to eat a lot. And my mom said, I'm cooking three meals a day. If you want more, learn how to cook yourself. I think I was eight years old.

SPEAKER_02 3:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

And I began to cook in the kitchen about seven, eight years of age, maybe nine, whatever it was. So when we first got married, I did a good amount of cooking. Now I've stopped doing a lot of that in recent days.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Yes, you have, and I don't know why.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

You don't know why. So it's interesting because I don't know we ever arranged that. I know we never said, hey, you cook, I do this. There was kind of an intuition of I'll do that, she does this. So, how do couples navigate roles if they're fluid, not fixed, without creating uh conflict or tensions in the relationship?

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Um, good question. I think you have to just come up with the communication at the very beginning of your marriage and when you're talking about getting married, you have to communicate with one another. And and it's a good thing because you get to know your spouse or soon-to-be spouse. When you start finding weaknesses and strengths and things they like to do, um, then as you get married and you talk about these roles, again, there are roles that I feel like God has placed on the man and the woman best suited, but also those can change, those can ebb and flow, as you would say. Um, I think it's all about communication. It's not just assuming taking over something and putting somebody in the corner, you know, you can't do this because, but it's kind of finding that rhythm for your household and what works. Um, and then being okay with with how that goes.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Yeah. We did a podcast early on on roles of marriage, and that's this is not a repeat of the same thing, it's just a different angle on the a similar conversation. But the reality is that there is embedded in us role distinction from our maleness and femeness. Right. And if we embrace those things to what functions and operates best, I think we can accentuate and celebrate our uniquenesses and differences versus have compete competition or conflict over those things. So how would you, how would a couple go about navigating a seasonal role change? For example, uh, I remember when you were in nursing school and you were working throughout the clinics throughout the day, school at night, working insane hours between books, classroom work, clinical uh uh clinical trials, those kind of things you were doing. I guess not clinical trials, but clinicals. Um clinical trials, clinicals. And and you know, I had a season where I was doing a lot of everything because you were doing something that was important to you and to me, uh, something we both benefit from today. You put the work in. So we had a situation where I don't we are we never like discussed a plan like, hey, Marty, I've got to step back, you gotta step in. I think I just knew it intuitively. Yes, and well, I needed to eat.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Yeah, so it just happens that way. That's kind of that just kind of knowing one another and where you're at in life and where you're at with your family and your schedule and that time that you're in. It won't always be that chaotic and hectic.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Um, but you're doing your best to make sure that it's not so so if a couple is facing a season of shifting, a season of change, um, what would be a great way to open up a hey, we need to shift uh some roles, we need to discuss some role changes in the marriage. How would you tell a couple to go about that?

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Just to be honest, um, and just to be thoughtful and considerate when you're talking about it. Um I think sometimes, and I can speak for myself mainly, that you just feel you're intimidated to bring up a topic at times because you don't want to put pressure on your spouse, or you just have a problem within yourself of just knowing how to communicate honestly what you need. Right. And so then you find yourself frustrated because you're just not talking at all. But it's just all about honest communication. Um and I know we that's a repetitive thing that we say, but it's so true that communication can stop all kinds of things. Yeah, um, from the smallest issue to a war. I mean, communication's important, and you have to be honest, you know, with your spouse of what you need. And then when it's their turn and they have special needs, you have to be willing to, you know, be reciprocal in that as well.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Or if you have a needy spouse.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Oh, geez.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

I mean, not that you have one of those. So that's a different podcast. That's a different podcast, needy spouses. What um what's unique to me is in the scripture is a beautiful picture of three in one, the trinity, always showing us the model of unity amongst diversity of assignments and gifts, different function, different operations, different manifestations, and much, much more. And I think in marriage, if we take a couple cues from the Trinity, we can actually celebrate roles, role changes, um, expectations, all that stuff if we look at the Trinity. Here's a couple of things I see from the Trinity of Scripture. Number one, there's always the affirming of the other. Um, Jesus affirmed the Father, the Father affirmed the Son, the Spirit affirmed all things. You never see in the Trinity a I'm better than them or they're less than me. You see a constant affirmation. So in a marriage, when we can affirm each other, no matter what change we're facing or going through, I think it brings great health to the relationship. So if you're going through a season of shifting roles or roles need to be expanded upon or clarified upon, uh try affirming.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

Try speaking life.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Well, try speaking life and affirming with humility. Yeah. The thought that comes in my mind is um you just have to have humility in marriage. You have to have humility in parenting. Um, and that doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're coming with a humble spirit to talk with your spouse about your needs, about their needs, and about how to navigate these roles in life.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Yeah. Well, and another thing we see in the Trinity model is we see there's a an echoing of the gifts that each individual part of the Trinity has. When we begin to see that God's the one that placed us uniquely and distinctly, and God gave me the gifts I have and the gifts that you have, He gave to you. When we affirm those gifts, when we echo those and go, Well, no, you're great at this, you can do that well, you actually empower the person to have more life in their serving and their function, the roles in the marriage. So for example, uh Jesus said this very powerful statement. He says, the one that comes after me is greater. I have to go so he can come. What a powerful thought to think the Son of God, the miracle worker, the come back from the dead, back to life, savior of the world, just said, I need to leave so he can show up.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

And you think about that, what an affirmation uh of the gifting that the spirit would be to mankind, not a, hey, you're better off if I stay, he said on the flip side, you're better off if I go. So I think when we can look at somebody else's gifts in their in the church or in the fan in the house, the family of the church, we can see them in a way that God put them in the right place for the right time. Let's celebrate that.

SPEAKER_02 11:03

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

And, you know, if if your gift is nurturing, if your gift is uh honesty, if your gift is um listening, um, let's celebrate that. Let's look at the gifts God's put in our life as a husband-wife role and go, okay, I'm not good at that, but my wife is, or I'm not good at that, but you would say my husband is. I don't have a husband, you have a husband. So how how do how do we how do we continue to build up on the fact that when you encourage someone's gifts, you actually help them grow in those and you put strength in the marriage?

SPEAKER_00 11:34

How do we because you're stepping back and making less of yourself and creating room for them to operate in their gifts? Yeah. You're not constantly behind them with uh, you know, a a a notepad and a pen, marking down every time they've messed up or didn't do something maybe the way that you would do. Um, but you're giving them space to grow, fall, get up, learn, and hopefully they're doing that for you. And that and that's the best gift that you can give your spouse and your kids.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

So I'll give you a third thing I see in the Trinity, and I'm gonna I'm gonna tie it to the Trinity and take it over to us as natural humans because we're not perfect. The Trinity's perfect. Right. Um there was an allowance for each other in the Trinity. There's a permission to exist. Uh the scripture says for us to make allowance for each other's faults. Right. Um, I think in marriage, when it comes to roles and gifts and abilities, you've got to make a lot of allowance. Um for someone to to try to be, to exist, uh, to put effort out, even to fail without the sense of, well, this is it. Right. Um, I think when marriages exist on a thin line of I can't afford to mess up, then there's problems. I'd tell you a quick story to our listeners. Um, there's a couple that I've worked with, actually more than one couple that one of the spouses had a running list of all the offenses, literally date, time, activity, or action. Like didn't do this or failed to do that, and had like a list. You think about that, and I've seen that in multiple marriages. The scripture says love keeps no record of wrongdoing. Right. I mean, how contrary to love is a record of wrongs. Now the truth is all of us recall wrongs done to us. We can all maybe think of a moment.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Probably more so than where you and I are at right now. We forgot a lot of stuff today.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

I mean thank God for forgetfulness. Um, but think about how counterintuitive that is to someone fulfilling a role if you got a list on them. I mean, they just can't, I mean, they can't win. So I would say when we can make allowance in marriage, we see the roles go to a higher level and a function. Definitely. Thoughts? That's good. You're good with all that? Well, that's our topic for today. Thank you once again for joining us for the podcast. And as always, I life, I like, I love doing life with my wife. I love doing life with you.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

I love doing life with you as well.